it seems i have an acute case of vashta nerada - i need the doctor!

i've wasted so much time pretending i don't exist.....

the truth has always been the weight i feel, the heaviness i combat each moment with breathing....

the illusion, more real than the truth, until you sigh, and hold your breath

a glimpse comes like a flash of light, suddenly the weight is lifted.....

now i have to remind myself each day...that none of us ever existed....

there are parasites that feed on humanity....

look them in the face and reveal them.....watch them starve as we fade into nothingness...

lost memories without a skull to call home...circling the planet...... we are but ghosts of our past....

haunting and feeding.......

evie pratt.....

it's my time……but the universe keeps me waiting here and now until it comes back around…..

she's alive - the robot version of my mind…..

she lives in a braver, newer world……….

you will know her one day…..or forget her depending on the curve of time…..

on this Christmas the gift of knowing her would be yours but not mine....infinite letters arranged through space and time……..stars burning all the pages to land on…….but this i will give you……just her name, and then her story when she comes alive……..off to bed, sugar plums and the wonder of who is Evie Pratt running about the corners in your head…….pillow dreams and realities………someday you'll all be seeking me.....

wrote this in january and never posted it...so here you can have it now....

for 23 days a very busy spider has been spinning her web....
not to be confused with the very busy spider of course....
sticky and tangled words can often collide.......
but who claims ownership......none have claim.....all have claim....or so said legolas without his wig....
off i go now.....to find who i truly am......
the darkness is luminescent

the shadow of who i used to be....

i used to be a writer, but they took away my hands....

i used to sing stories, so they cut out my tongue.........

i used to read books and drift off into other places, but they stitched my eyes closed

the pain carried me until i stumbled upon my hands...

my tongue grew back like a venomous snake and i lashed out with it....

i tore the stitching from my eyes and used it as a rope to free myself....

and now i will make them pay...for all they have done, only they aren't real and when i strike i look like a fool swatting the air.....

a letter to the editor about the new 845 drop off rule at school....

The Wheels On The Bus and Cars lots and lots of cars

            Day four back to school, the lines to drop off are long, winding bafflements.  And they only lead to the parking lot.  The bell has rung to start the day and parents and students are still walking in from what seems like miles away.  It's district wide.  Implemented like a highway design I suppose, and we all love getting stuck in traffic there as well.  Rush hour has met its match on one side street leading to an elementary school.  These plans were sorely written and laid about.  The quiet classroom withstands the shouts and beeping and utter disappointment of taxpayers.  Not a thing can be done, I assure you, but retaliate in a quiet manner if you can.  As I walk past and through cars and buses with little room I see a multitude of unhappy faces and hear an array of interesting word choices.  Well the only thing to do is not care until drop off again tomorrow.  See you all on the battlefield with water bottles and pack backs as we contort our faces and shake our heads in disbelief. 

hogwash to rinse off your face ....

not quite awake....this i can't fake...

burning books inside my head....wishing famed writer's hands were dead...

born and bred to work instead.....

pasting words together with keystroke and desire.....

my ideals refuse to meld by touch of fire.....

 

this song is long and old it seems......

it's the cry of unrealized dreams...

 

with crown on head or wearing a weathered mask of skin....the end bears the same famed print of artwork....

may my vision be keen and the ocean seem real....

as i sit and turn the pages of time.....

i'm not the only dreamer......

The glow of the clock mocks me………

It regards my past insolence…

It reads me thoroughly and sees my eyelids overcoming my ambition…….

And just when I've settle into the person I am supposed to be….

The god damn thing begins to yell at me... again

I fight back delivering a slap across its face and then again it retaliates…..more horrible screams…..

The destroyer of dreams…..

One day I shall open this head and hand over my mangled mind…..whoever unfolds the thoughts that are crushed and dreams that are lost….know this…..they shall become yours…….a curse rather than a gift…….a summons……a dream…..nothing more than a rift….

a not so loving husband......

 

Tonight I learned that my husband has been utterly disappointed with me for a long time and our family struggles because i don't have a job….

I was told I'm not an author, I'm not even a teacher…I was told a great many things that were hurtful, but what I told myself was far more important….i don't feel that way about myself and why can't I write in my spare time, when I'm not complaining about doing everything for my kids….absolutely everything…….

I wish I married a man who screamed I love you and fought as much as my husband just did with me proclaiming his love for his kids and how I'm going to take them away from him…

And where exactly am I going to take them? He must have forgotten for a brief moment in his fury that I don't have a job……

I was accused of making things up that are documented…..

He is the champion for anyone I am against……over and over again…..

He has never been my champion……at least I always have…..

I'm lying in the middle of the bed like I used to long ago before marriage and kids….before anything I know now….because I wouldn't give up and move over and let someone who hates me sleep next to me…….

I wish the world could see him throwing things and calling me insane and accusing me of making things up because what else do I have to do since I don't work every day….and I'm embarrassed to say when the question of him cheating arose he said "who would want this" and jostled his big belly I thought 'I did' and my what a fool I've been for loving him…..

Two people came together and had some children…and sometimes that's all they can have I suppose……

suspicion, trial and execution.....

dear single white female...

who texted my husband.....

your desperation has a terrible odor......

why exactly did the two of you meet in a parking lot....

may death visit you soon.....

in a cunning manner....

so the shock on your face is laughable.....

innocent or not.....you've earned a loathsome title....

i met you once...and what i recall of you,  which is nothing....reminds me that you are forgettable....a mere nothingness.....in a realm of possibilities....

sincerely yours

the means of your literary end....

parents teachers anyone who thinks school administration could use a good swift ass kicking read this!

Sassafras kiss my ass…..

 

all day I babysat a bunch of 5th graders…..and a majority of the other so called adults in the building suggested I write the teacher a note about them….so here it is…

 

your lot of blossoming eleven year olds don't have any real consequences to face and this is an awkward time for them and a wonderful turn of events in their lives is about to take place…as they move on to middle school, they won't be treated like infants anymore…..

as for the foul mouth rude little bastards creeping around in here…well shit is about to get real…when they put their hands on another student or use that offensive language…a trip to the principal's office will become a nightmare…..and a dream come true to those that put up with these types….mostly their classmates!

I'm sorry that you are not given the freedom of rewarding and disciplining these young creatures that you deserve…..little squares of paper with smiley faces and idle threats serve them nothing but a great injustice….and you as well……

So it was loud…..but we didn't complain when the second graders down the hall were singing some stupid god damn song…..over and over again…

The door was shut for the majority of the day….not because the kids were so loud and out of control…but so we wouldn't have to put up with the bother of opinions on this matter….

The school year is nearly over and they still have to watch the dreaded video about puberty…..god help them in that moment of insurmountable immaturity that will arise in them….ironically….

They all maintain some potential….yes even the one the art teacher complained about for the duration of the lesson……

I had a headache by the end of the day….didn't really bother me much I took a pill and besides it was Friday today….they've had their fill of being institutionalized for an entire week again……

One last thing…..how can I ever be taken seriously if I'm only a guest teacher and these kids aren't made to respect any teacher….curious…I guess……and my note of utter dismay….who would even care…..and the children….by god please don't take away their recess because they need that free time during the day……

The fault lies not with you…I think you're amazing……you've done a lot with these monsters…

I'm sure you and I can agree where we should point our finger…..and let's make it the middle one…..hope you enjoyed your day off….i'm grateful for the crap pay…..i really didn't have anything else to do today...

haven't blogged since 2014.........not sure this makes up for it....

'Bitch, what do you do for fun?'

 

well for starters....i'm not even sure...did you just call me bitch......cool...no maybe not...i'm not feeling it....you're messed up chick....

any way.....i blog sometimes...but not in a while....writing a new book....that's where my heart beats....so i'm dead right now talking to you......

excuse me...but the jack rabbit that lives in my eyelid is stirring.......

hold on a moment.....i'm having a vision about the near future...or is it the past.....this school, this classroom...this program is going to hell........are you the usher?

o.k. bitch...i'm tired and like i said or didn't......fun doesn't include the likes of you....so i'm out...peace

by the way sorry if i sound like a bitch.....but i just thought....well you know.....i'd play the part....you did cast me as the bitch.....didn't you?