best intro yet of a query written by me

Last year George R.R. Martin's The Ice Dragon motivated me to try my hand in the fantasy genre.  I worked through start to finish, forty some odd typed pages of text.  It was a complete story and my first, aside from the countless, ever so clever, children's books and or ideas that have passed through my head.  I submitted the story in the usual way, but with a hint of similarity to the owl post that plagued Vernon Dursley.  When I received a handful of replies from the near three dozen queries, "So it goes", I did not despair, but delighted.  I know the routine and some of the feedback; well actually all of it was well received.  Then I read Tolkien, and for the past eight months or longer, I have been rewriting that story, to improve it, and I am completely delving into my fantasy world and ideas.  So as for queries I have made only a handful this time around, and the story is not finished, but most certainly will be when I conclude it.  Of course I would love for my story to be welcomed into the published world, but that is only up to me if I self publish, which I have looked into as well.  So I happened across your name and your agency, and found a similarity, you see the story is intended for a middle grade and or perhaps young adult audience.  With all of that said, I will now tell you about the story itself.

dear god it is now coming out of both ends......have a look!

i quit my job today

perhaps tomorrow i shall beg a reprieve

it matters not

for my employer is me

mind vomit.....i swear if not for my children i would be buried in an unmarked grave....so here's what i just came up with:

if the day was truly warm

i would be beyond my door

from bees that swarm and other evils
i would not hide

but the sun, she lies

so we sit indoors
or rather we die